Warm My Heart
by TheOneThing
Summary: Strange dreams, untold love, mental instability, Shinji and Asuka.


This is my first attempt at writing anything (fanfiction-wise) in two years, so go easy on me. I suppose this could be an ongoing project if people like it, but I can get very busy at times so don't hold me to that.  
  
I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of the characters therein. You get the idea.  
  
Quote Key: Double quotes (") = Said things  
  
Single quotes (') = Thoughts  
  
Warm My Heart  
  
Chapter One: "Warmth (Experimental)"  
  
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"I love you... Shinji-baka," she whispered.  
  
She was leaning over him, legs straddling his legs, her body less than inches away from his body. Her breath was coming in soft, slow patterns and warming his skin. This amazing feeling overtook him, the feeling of closeness and warmth, the feeling he had longed for. The feeling that he knew all too well, because it reminded him of his mother. The mother he hadn't known for the majority of his life. He felt empty and alone without her, but he told himself that he wasn't alone. He forced his mind to think that he needed nobody. That was the wall he had built, the barrier he had put up to keep himself from feeling agony, pain, anguish, and loneliness.  
  
"Asuka... I..."  
  
The words refused to come to him.  
  
'Could she really... Could she feel this way?'  
  
His mind ceased to think as she slid her hands under his shirt, gently sliding her fingers across his abdomen and up to his chest. She pressed her lips to his and closed her eyes.  
  
'Is she... Oh god, who cares...'  
  
He shut his eyes slowly, not moving any other part of his body, he wanted to savor this moment, even if it was just a moment. Because in this moment that he felt her pressed close to him, the feelings of sadness and pain, the horrible memories that plagued his mind and his dreams vanished. And in that instant, so did the longing. It was satisfied by the arms that were now holding him, the body pressed against his, the lips pressing his and the heat coming from the combined exhales of the two.  
  
But also in this moment, he felt hands wrap around his neck. Palms that felt so warm before were now ice cold, and forcing themselves shut. No words came from either, only muffled gasps for air from him as he tried to push her off.  
  
'Asuka, stop this... Please... Please...'  
  
A tear made its way down his cheek as he began to feel the life slipping out of him, and he began to panic. He kicked and tried to swing his arms, and pleaded to her in his mind to release her grip. Shinji felt numb and cold, the feeling he had tried to avoid throughout his life was now going to be the last he would ever experience. This thought alone caused him to concentrate a last effort to free himself. He let his energy take control of the now weak body and Shinji's mind surged. He focused all of his remaining strength into his right arm and swung upward at her face as his mind screamed.  
  
'Care for me!' 'Warm me!' 'Hold me!' 'Need me!'  
  
Shinji shot up in his bed.  
  
"LOVE ME, ASUKA!"  
  
Gasping for air and feeling his throat delicately, Shinji determined that he was fine. There were no hands suffocating him. There were no hands tenderly rubbing his chest, there were no lips pressed against his, there was no loving comfort. There was no Asuka leaned over him.  
  
Shinji felt the sweat rolling down his forehead and the dampness that remained in the outline of his form from this dream. He felt his heart pounding within his chest as he tried to calm himself.  
  
"A dream.... A nightmare..." he whispered to himself.  
  
He fell back onto his pillow, tired and worn, hoping nobody had heard him yell just then. Especially Asuka. He figured that if she hadn't come barging into his room to kick him, beat him, or both, then she was still fast asleep. Shinji chuckled slightly as he drifted off to sleep once more.  
  
- The Next Morning -  
  
Shinji awoke to quiet, wondering what time it was, he looked over to the small watch on the dresser next to his bed. Misato thought he needed a dresser so that he wouldn't roll over onto his SDAT player while he was sleeping, like he had once, damaging it and leaving the small player in need of repair.  
  
'How kind of her...'  
  
He saw that he was right on time, but didn't know why it was so quiet and still in the apartment. Climbing out of bed, he put the watch on, and then proceeded to get dressed for school so that Asuka wouldn't awake to see her lunch not made. Remembering his nightmare, he got dressed a little faster.  
  
When he slid open his door, Asuka was silently sitting at the table across from Misato, who was indulging in her usual morning beer. Shinji glanced at Asuka, trying to look into her eyes for no reason in particular, or so he thought to himself. The two noticed him and Asuka strangely said nothing. He awaited a barrage of insults and yelling from the third child, but none came. This was indeed surprising. Misato finished her can and stood up to wish Shinji a good morning. But his face instantly flushed red. In clear view of him were Misato's bare legs, her thighs. The crisp skin, radiant in his eyes. As he looked up, he noticed that Misato was wearing nothing but her underwear below her waist, and nothing except a small shirt above. Noticing this caused his cheeks to burn, he must have been as red as a cherry by now, and he was noticeably, although not admittedly, quite aroused by the sight. Shinji shook the thoughts of his guardian out of his mind, he forced the lustful visions out of his head, he knew it was wrong to think about her in this way. Not to say that he didn't like doing it.  
  
"Shinjiii-kuuun, is every.. thing... allllhrighht?" Misato finally spoke up, slurring badly.  
  
He avoided eye-contact with his rather scantly-clad guardian as he replied, and then kept his view off of her while moving to sit down at the table. Misato, finally realizing her mistake in forgetting to get properly clothed, quickly walked back to her room to change. Asuka stopped sipping her drink and set it down on the table, then broke the silence.  
  
"I heard you last night, third child."  
  
Shinji immediately choked on his drink and felt it burn up through his nostrils. What could he say? Were there words to get himself out of this one? Should he just give in and admit that it was him? Would she care? Shinji cleared his throat, attempting to stall for time but also realizing that Asuka knew full well what he was doing. When his throat was cleared well enough, or more than well enough, he spoke.  
  
"I... Asu..." Shinji struggled to get out.  
  
'What can I say to her,' he thought, 'will she see that I'm lying...'  
  
Asuka was sitting still in her chair not moving, and fixing her gaze on him with a cold stare. But there was something else also, something in her eyes, so faint but still visible to Shinji. He was caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts and worries, thinking of the many possible ways this could end, good and bad, and worse than the latter but no better than the former.  
  
"I'm sorry for waking you..." Shinji finally managed to say, his voice trembling slightly, hoping that this would satisfy the second child.  
  
"Baka." Asuka mumbled.  
  
"I had better not catch you fantasizing about me again, you pervert!" She then added.  
  
Shinji was half relieved and half stunned and shocked, and slightly worried. Yes he had fantasized about her, many times, he had actually brought himself pleasure to thoughts of her before. But last night was not one of those times, it was different. Shinji then felt his face flush as he thought of the view of her breasts he had gotten every so often, which translated itself into the dream. She hated him, he knew. He would always feel alone after he had climaxed in his bed, he knew that masturbating to thoughts of HER wouldn't make him feel any better, at least not for very long. He had still found pleasure in these thoughts though, and always regretted doing it because when the release was over, Shinji was alone in his room. No Asuka to warm his heart.  
  
'Not like she ever would.' Shinji thought to himself.  
  
He knew that she despised him, his being, who he was and who he will always be. There were moments when Shinji started to feel something, some positive aura flowing from her. Like she was trying to communicate to him, but she couldn't say it to him, she couldn't let her mighty wall that she had built for herself come crumbling down, especially for him.  
  
'What a baka!' Asuka thought to herself, cringing.  
  
'I don't love him, nor could I ever love someone so weak and pathetic!' She then mentally added.  
  
But these thoughts, they felt so out of place to her now. She remembered a time when she would thoroughly enjoy putting him down, beating his pitiful soul down to where it belonged. That time was gone. Asuka had seen something in the second child, something that she barely noticed, and wouldn't have even realized if he hadn't have saved her after the defeat of the eighth angel.  
  
'Or... could I?'  
  
Recoiling at her mind, Asuka quickly stood up and rushed out of the apartment, forgetting her lunch. Shinji was left alone at the table, sitting alone with his eyes fixated in the place where Asuka's gaze met his mere seconds ago.  
  
Misato, now fully dressed, slowly sauntered over to the table in the spot across from Shinji.  
  
"Shinjhi... kun..."  
  
The third child merely stood up and slowly made his way out of the door, leaving Misato alone in her drunken state.  
  
'Hopefully she'll come out of it and realize that we've gone to school.' Shinji thought as he walked down the path to the high school, alone. No Asuka to accompany him. No Asuka to warm his heart.  
  
'She never would.' He thought to himself.  
  
----------------------- Chapter 1 Conclusion Notes:  
  
This is an experimental chapter, mainly to get me back into writing. I have many more ideas to continue, just not a whole bunch of time to write. I'll see how this is reviewed and continue as I see fit, but I will continue it, and the rating posted will be set for the next chapter.  
  
~ Panta (TheOneThing)  
  
Edit (03/25/04): Two previous edits caused the third and second child titles to whirlwind out of control (I tried to change one to another and the like). It's fixed now x_x;; 


End file.
